Blank pages aren’t funny

by jazzfish77

This fact has never been as apparent as right this very second.

“I’m going to write a funny blog,” I thought. Fuck, that’s tough.

Normally, when I’m funny, I need something to react to, some topic to make fun of. I can’t just start cold with a blank page and be funny.

The big news on my street is that my new neighbors are moving in today. They seem nice enough, but their truck is blocking my driveway so I can’t pull out. I suppose “not pulling out” could be a minor theme of my life as is evident by my two kids.

Anyway…as big a pain as moving is, moving vans stir up the nomad in me. They make me want to pack my bags and hit the road. My wife yelling at me does that, too, but I am writing comedy not country songs, so we’ll skip that bit for the moment.

It has now been over 5 years since I moved into this piece of shit house I have. It was sold as one of those master planned, back-to-nature paradise locations with lots of white people on bike trails, kids at playgrounds, and old people holding hands as they stroll along during a brisk fall day. The problem is that it is in Texas. There are several things wrong with the whole thing:

  1. This is Texas, which is paving over its natural areas as fast as Jesus will bless it destruction. Although, even Jesus would have trouble finding a house in Texas that came with its mineral rights.
  2. Nature apparently involves the never-ending sound of leaf blowers, lawn mowers and chain saws. (That is, nature is nice in pictures, but fuck it in real life.) It takes an awful lot of effort to keep nature under control.
  3. Houses in Texas suffer from “consistency in construction quality”. In other words, they are frequently shit. They were never designed with a wooded area in mind. They make great homes for roof rats and squirrels and the many angles of the roof make great spots for composting leaves, but without constant maintenance, they would be condemned in a matter of weeks.

Which brings me back to the universe and the miracle of life…how can one be funny when their sole purpose in life is to keep a shit house taped together before it succumbs to the local wildlife and environment?

Which is why, in five years, I have gone from being a greeny environmentalist to a desperate homeowner who takes great joy in cutting down every. Single. Fucking. Tree. around my house. And if I see a squirrel’s nest in it, I am even happier. Don’t get me wrong, I love animals, they just need to stay the fuck away from my house.

But even if I finally succeed in clearing a space around my house, I am so fed-up with it that I still want to move.

Which brings me back to my new neighbors – it is now almost 11am and their moving truck is still blocking my driveway. I remain trapped in my shitty house and now I have to continue looking for a shitty job.

At least this page isn’t blank any more.